


Lift me up, Hold me down

by Niall_Princess_Horan



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Harry is bulimic, It's too late, Louis tries to help, M/M, Sad Louis, harry is anorexic, larry fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-15
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 04:29:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8042650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niall_Princess_Horan/pseuds/Niall_Princess_Horan
Summary: PROMPT - Please write a larry stylinson story where harry dies from anorexia and bulimiaPLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU MAY BE TRIGGERED.Please talk to someone if you are struggling, friends, family, doctor, you can even talk to me if you like, just remember you are not alone. P.S. you can follow me on Twitter @meganls11But my names Riley :/





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Laura Ingram](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Laura+Ingram).



Harry P.O.V -

I walk out of the hotel bedroom and see Louis eating some toast, Make a coffee and join him.  
"Not hungry?" he asks, i shake my head knowing that i'll have to eat something later, keep him off my back.

After breakfast we get ready and head out to the streets of LA. Since we're on a break, Lou and i decided to go travelling, but this time for pleasure and not work.

 

It's nice to be able to see the world, not just glance at it and have to move on. To really stop and stare at the scenery in front of you. To really appreciate the beauty of the world.

Louis wants to stop for lunch around 1:30 so we go into a fancy-ish looking dinner. I think about not ordering but i know it will add heat to the fire as Louis will start suspecting again. I'll order something light, and lose it again after lunch is over and i go to the toilet.

Louis orders chicken, wrapped in bacon with mash on the side.  
I order the soup, knowing it has the least calories and is easy to swallow.

After lunch i go to the toilet and lean my head over the bowl. I force myself to gag until the soup and coffee comes back out. I stay there a few minutes dry heaving, just to see if i left any, but the empty and sharp pains in my stomach tell me i haven't.

I scrub my face with water and dry it to avoid questions from Lou, i love him but he doesn't understand. It's not like i want to make myself throw up. But i just can't stop. He wouldn't understand. No-one would. Like zayn said before he went solo, the mental pains of being in a band and always being compared to someone with everything you do, makes you feel worthless.

That's how i feel. Like i can't cope. Like i'm pathetic for making myself ill when there are people starving out there. Like i'm an ungrateful brat that doesn't appreciate what he has. But i'm not, i know we have it good, we have enough money to never struggle and girls throwing themselves at us. But that means nothing to me. All i want is to sing, be with Louis openly and not get abuse hurled at us and not feel like an emotional train wreck.

I don't really know why i purge, it started when Liam joked about us all putting on weight from all the fast food we eat. That night i looked in the mirror and saw he was right, i had put on weight, with out even realising it. So i went to the gym a little more and stopped snacking. Nothing too drastic.

But then a few weeks later when i was tweeting about the new series of X Factor and how exited i was, i saw some tweets about me being the fattest in the band. As harsh as it is, i always thought that was Liam, i mean, he has all the toned body meat going for him so i thought i was fairly slim, apparently not. So i cut down to two meals a day, no snacks and no sugar.

That was working until a month later, Niall joked in an interview about wanting my body because i can decide how much weight i want to gain, basically calling me fat. I know he didn't mean it, i mean, it's Niall, he would never hurt anyone on purpose. Still, i went down to one meal a day. No snacks. No sugar.

Again that worked for a few weeks, i saw my weight go down, my stomach flat and the hate had almost stopped. Then Zayn left. Said he wanted to have a normal life and i cried. I begged him not to leave, but he wouldn't listen. He left us. He left me. I thought if i lost more weight and made myself more attractive, it would bump the bands image and he would come back. So i stopped eating. Drank loads of water but no food.

 

He didn't come back.

 

Paul was the one that noticed my 'dizzy spell'.

"Harry, what's going on?" he asked, the others were playing fifa with the band lads.  
"Just stood up too fast"  
"That's not it, i haven't seen you eat in days. i'm not the only one worried either"  
"It's nothing" i snap and pretend to text on my phone, ending the conversation.  
Paul sighs and drops it for now.

 

I make sure to eat one meal a day, in front of at least one of the boys. Only to throw it up when i've finished. It gets them and paul off my back.

It feels good. To be able to control at least one thing going on in my life. To have the power to decide my weight, even if i can't decide, where i go, what i do, who i see, what to wear, but this, i can control this.


	2. Lift me up, Hold me down & Don't let go

HARRY POV

"HARRY!" is the last thing i hear as i collapse on the stage. Rehersals were going okay, the others were putting in plenty of energy which meant i didn't have to put in as much.

Someone lifts my eye lids and light streams in, only to let go and plunge me into darkness again.

 

I wander through a city. There are hundreds of people urgently trying to get places, flashing lights, traffic at a stand still.

I try to ask someone where i am, only to be ignored. I try again. and again. I keep walking down this never ending street trying to figure out where i am and why. The last thing i remember was collapsing.

I walk meaninglessly around. I have come to the conclusion that no-one can hear or see me. Rather that or the guy i made the monkey faces at was blind.

 

A while later I sit in a little cafe, i'm not sure why, but something in my gut tells me in supposed to be here.

Then, as if like clockwork, the boys come in, all of them. I start saying hey and making my way over, only to remember that i'm invisible in this city, i sit at the table next to them though.

 

"When is he gonna wake up" A sniffly irish voice asks.  
"I don't know Ni" Liam answers  
"I miss him" Zayn mutters  
"You left him. You left us" Louis snaps  
"I'm here now"

A strange voice that i don't recognise speaks as she comes over, she looks like a doctor.

"Harry is serverly under weight, which is why he collapsed. His body has gone into shut down from the lack of food and nutrients. Unfortunately when we try to wake him up, he isn't responding. The-"

"Is he gonna die?" Louis whispers  
"I can't say. It's not looking good. The only way he will make it is if he fights for it. The only way he will survive is if he really wants to be here. I'm sorry" the doctor leaves.

"Well, do you think he'll fight for it?" Zayn asks.  
"he's strong" Liam says, less confidently than intended.  
"You heard her, what if he doesn't want to be here anymore, i mean he has literally starved himself to death" Louis whimpers.

I leave the cafe, i don't want to listen to that conversation. Hear them talking about how it's my fault. I know it is, but they don't understand.

 

I keep walking around the city. Hoping to find something to enlighten me. Then i ask myself, do i want to go back? Go back to the boys and my family, back to Louis. The fans, the music the crew. The hate, the lies the lack of control, the long hours, not seeing my family for months at a time, the jet lag, Not being with Louis because management won't let me.

It's hard, deciding. but i think I've known for a while that i just, well, i don't want to be here anymore.

 

I keep walking, expecting to see a bridge of some sort, you know, for the 'pass over'. Instead i bump into a girl who looks as startled as i am.

"You can see me?" she asks, voice quiet  
"Yeah, i mean, you can see me?" I reply, voice scratchy from the months of vomiting.

 

We sit on a bench and get talking, we had both figured we are in the middle of not quite dead but not exactly alive either.

"So, have you decided?" I look at her confused "That's why we're all here, to decide, wether to go back or move on. We can only interact with people able to aid our decision but not change it" Joy informs me.

"I have decided but i feel like i owe them an explanation, is there anyway i can get a message to them"

"No, but lucky for you, i'm going back, i found out through a game of bowling that i'm pregnant, that's good enough for me" She smiles.

"Would you pass on a message." She nods

 

LOUIS POV

We are all sat in the blank hospital room when harrys heartbeat goes dead. The pain is unbelievable, like losing a brother, a best friend and the love of your life all at the same time. Looking at the others faces, i know they feel the same.

We all say our goodbyes individually and i go in just as Niall is coming out, tears staining his pale cheeks, i give him a hug in reassurance then go in.

His pale, still, lifeless body just lays there. I don't speak for a while, not sure if there's any point. I mean, it won't bring him back.

 

In the end i do speak. I remind him of stories we have written, memories we have made, lives we have changed. I tell him how i love him and that i'll see him on the other side. 

The boys join me for one last goodbye and we can't think why he would do this. We work out roughly when he started losing weight and things that may have aided him doing so. piecing it together piece by piece up until Zayn left. But we couldn't understand why he wouldn't come back. Why he didn't want to come back.

WE are still pondering when the nurse come in and says harry has a visitor. We are all rather confused as a young girl, around 15 walks in. She has natural blonde hair and green eyes, with a small frame but a clear baby bump.

"HI, i'm Joy" she says quietly.  
"Hey" i cough out.  
"I met Harry in the middle. Middle of life and death. He said he is really sorry he couldn't come back, but wanted me to give you this" She says, then hands me a folded up piece of paper.

I unfold it and nearly break down, there, in Harrys writing, is the reason he left. I feel the boys lean over my shoulder to see

...

 

The mental pains of always being compared to someone with everything you do, made me feel worthless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this was okay!
> 
> Feel like it wasn't as good as it could have been :/
> 
> Sorry is it sucked :(
> 
> Feedback is appreciated

**Author's Note:**

> Hope this was what you wanted :) sorry for the delay!


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